


The heart is hard to find

by haipollai



Category: Captain America (Comics)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Coming Out, First Time, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-15
Updated: 2013-11-15
Packaged: 2018-01-01 16:53:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1046245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haipollai/pseuds/haipollai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve is gorgeous, tall and blond and built like a football player. And he talks to Bucky like a real person, not some caricature to appease. The thought of him getting up makes Bucky panic slightly. "No! That's not-" He blushes and kills time by drinking his coffee. "I'm not- I don't know-"</p>
<p>"It's ok." Steve smiles and Bucky gets the feeling he understands despite Bucky’s gibbering. "Do you want me to go?"</p>
<p>"No, stay. Gotta start somewhere, right?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	The heart is hard to find

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [this](http://stevebucky-fest.dreamwidth.org/307.html?thread=416051#cmt416051) prompt on the stevebucky-fest. Not exactly like the prompt but hopefully you enjoy anon!

"Grande latte!"

Bucky shuffles over to the counter to get his drink, trying not to look too hard at anyone. He knows they probably won't recognize him. The barista smiles at him distractedly, already working on the next customer's drink. "What?" he asks, worried that somehow this guy is going to recognize him and the whole charade will be over.

"I like your name. Bucky."

Bucky is about to demand how he even knows that until he remembers giving it when he ordered his drink. "It's a childhood nickname," he says quickly, embarrassed at himself for being so anxious.

"What's it short for?"

"Buchanan."

The barista smiles. "I like it."

Bucky finds himself smiling back before moving to go claim a table, finding one in the corner by the window. It's awkwardly placed so no one else really wants it. He's not sure what he's even doing there. Trying to prove a point to politician daddy by hanging out in the wrong side of town. The side with rainbow flags in windows, with men and women and the people who identify as somewhere in between.

He's been sneaking there since he was sixteen and started to suspect - _fear_ \- he wasn't the normal son his dad wanted. He stares out the window at the street, watching people walk past.

"Your coffee is cold." Bucky jumps and looks up to see the barista from before smiling cautiously at him. He holds up another cup. "May I?" He gestures at the second seat Bucky had been using as a foot rest.

"Um, sure." He tucks his feet under himself so the stranger can sit down.

"Steve Rogers. I promise I haven't roofied this coffee." He takes Bucky's which is still over half full and pours some of his cup into it. Than to prove his statement, he takes a long swallow from his own cup. "Steve Rogers, good to meet you Bucky. I've seen you a few times now and figured…since you're cute…" He smiles hopefully and Bucky can't help but smile back.

"I don't really-"

"If you're not into guys, I'm super sorry and we can fist bump and I'll go away."

Steve is gorgeous, tall and blond and built like a football player. And he talks to Bucky like a real person, not some caricature to appease. The thought of him getting up makes Bucky panic slightly. "No! That's not-" He blushes and kills time by drinking his coffee. "I'm not- I don't know-"

"It's ok." Steve smiles and Bucky gets the feeling he understands despite Bucky’s gibbering. "Do you want me to go?"

"No, stay. Gotta start somewhere, right?"

Steve laughs and rests his chin in his hand. Bucky notices how blue his eyes are. "Good, I don't mind awkward beginnings. So tell me, what kind of name is Buchanan?"

Bucky blushes and ducks his head. It's his middle name but he's scared if he shares his first name, Steve will make the connection to his dad, the state senator making a name for himself by trying to ban gay marriage. "My parents liked it a lot. Don't think it has any other meaning."

"It's very distinguished," Steve says carefully.

"Yea well, I guess that's why I prefer Bucky."

Steve fingers brush the back of his hand. Bucky sucks in a sharp breath but doesn't move his hand. After the initial panic and no condemnation comes, the touching starts to feel good, comfortable. "So do I."

-

They go on three dates before Steve takes Bucky home. The fourth date is impromptu, Bucky shows up on Steve's doorstep with bagels. He knows Steve has a shift coming up in a few hours and he wants to do something nice. The past few dates have been better than anything Bucky could have imagined. Steve hasn't asked for much from him, and he hasn't questioned too closely when Bucky evades questions about his parents.

Bucky feels like he's finally growing up and figuring himself out with Steve.

Steve opens his door in boxers and an oversized t-shirt with the logo for NYU on it. "It's really early," Steve says.

Bucky holds up the bag. "Good morning?"

Steve sighs and opens the door for him. He leans in for a quick kiss before shuffling towards the kitchen. "So you decided to stop by with bagels?" Steve asks, clearing off some sketchbooks so they can both sit down. Bucky can smell coffee brewing and there's a newspaper open.

"Yea, I wanted to say hi I guess. So is the coffee here as good as your work?"

Steve laughs and gets down a mug for Bucky. "Taste for yourself." Bucky glances over at the newspaper, hoping to find the crossword but it's open to something about politics. He doesn't notice Steve coming back over at first. "Can you believe this asshole?" Steve sighs and digs around in the bag for more bagels. "If he had his way, we wouldn't be allowed to vote."

"We?" Bucky stares flatly at the paper, trying not to react.

"Anyone who isn't him is-" Steve lets out a breath and smears cream cheese on his bagel. "I'm sorry. Too early for this. But that Senator Barnes. Everything he does."

"I know." Bucky forces out a smile and leans over to kiss Steve's cheek. "I know."

"I'm sorry I know you said politics-"

Bucky shakes his head. "Don't worry about it."

-

Steve looks down at Bucky dozing off on his couch with his head in Steve's lap. Their relationship hasn't been a whirlwind or anything. More like a slow steady hill and he hopes that there's no other side, just a constant climb up. But he's not stupid and he can feel it coming. There are things Bucky isn't telling him. It's been weeks and Steve still doesn't know anything about Bucky, not really.

He knows Bucky's parents don't know he's gay. He knows Bucky does some work for his dad, something low level in politics but Bucky refuses to say anything else.

Sometimes Steve wonders if Bucky is even his real name.

"Steve? Did I miss the movie?" Bucky mumbles, half asleep.

"Yea, but it's ok." He smiles and leans down to kiss Bucky. "Do you want to stay the night?"

Bucky pauses and Steve wonders if he's thinking up a lie and hates himself immediately for thinking it. "Yea. If- I can stay on the couch."

"Bed, you idiot." He nudges Bucky up to his feet.

Bucky hesitates, a few feet away and shuffles his feet. "I've never- before-"

Steve lightly cups his face and kisses him. "Sleep. Nothing else." Bucky smiles and his smile makes it worth it. Steve is terrified he's falling in love with that smile.

-

It starts out with kissing in Steve's bed. They've done this before, multiple times but Bucky has panicked or something has interrupted but this time. This time he promises himself they'll do this. Their shirts are already tossed aside and Bucky barely notices when their pants follow. Steve knows a million ways to touch him that Bucky thought only worked with girls.

But still when Steve's hands reach his erection, he tenses up and he hates himself for it which only makes him even more tense. Steve pulls back, a patient, understanding smile on his face just like every other time.

"You're anxious. We don't-" Bucky shuts Steve up with a kiss. He knows he's anxious, he's never done this before and even thinking about it still makes him nervous. But he needs to, maybe to prove that this is really what he wants. Steve smiles against his lips and carefully pulls back, his hands on Bucky's chest. Bucky expects a gentle turn down. "You have to relax."

"I can relax. I _am_ relaxed."

Steve doesn't even try to argue with the blatant lie. He kisses Bucky again and pushes him back onto the bed. His hands lightly run over Bucky's side, scraping lightly against his skin, making Bucky sigh and shiver.

He catches Bucky's wrists and holds them loosely in one hand. The other hand is between them, wrapped around Bucky's cock and slowly stroking him. "Keep your hands there," Steve murmurs. Bucky can only nod dumbly, not sure what the right words even are. He hooks his fingers in the headboard just to make sure he does what Steve wants. "Good."

Steve sits back up, all lithe muscle, extended taut as he reaches between his own thighs. "Oh god, Steve." Bucky's barely been touched but his voice comes out wrecked.

In the room's faint light, Steve looks like he's glowing, blond hair sticking slightly to his forehead and neck. The tearing of the condom wrapper echoes loudly in the bedroom. Bucky winces at the reminder of what they're doing and the idea is hot and he's played with himself but seeing Steve's cock, and knowing they're about to do something he was raised to find disgusting makes him panic. He holds on tighter to the headboard, refusing to fuck this up. Not right now. Not with Steve.

And then Steve has his hands on Bucky, warm and steady and the panic isn't gone but it fades away. He barely notices Steve putting the condom on him.

"Wait- Steve?" He starts to sit up but Steve rests a hand on his chest.

"Trust me?"

"You have my dick in your hand."

Steve rolls his eyes and moves so he can kiss Bucky again. "Answer the question, idiot."

Bucky swallows back a snarky reply. It's harder than he expects. "Yea," he whispers. "I trust you." Steve kisses him again, tongue and teeth and _heat_. Bucky finally forgets about the instruction to keep his hands where they are and reaches up to clench them in Steve's hair. The kissing he can do. The kissing he loves.

Steve slides down, guiding Bucky into himself. It catches Bucky by surprise. It's different that what he expected, he can't even explain how but the tightness around him, the way Steve gasps his name as he inches more of Bucky inside himself, it's a good different.

" _Steve_." It's all he can think to say. Steve reaches for Bucky's hand and wraps it around his erection.

"Ok?" Steve's voice twists as he tries to keep in control and Bucky wonders how many times he's fantasized about the two of them together. He twists his hand experimentally, trying to remember what he liked when touching himself. It's good enough from Steve from the sharp exhale that escapes him. At the same time, Steve clenches around him and Bucky's hips jerk up. "Yea, I think we're ok."

"Move, oh fuck."

Steve smirks down at him and doesn't wait any longer.

-

Bucky stares up at his bedroom ceiling. He can still feel what it's like to be inside Steve. To be pressed so close that there's no space left. He clenches his hand in the sheets. The morning light feels cold without Steve with him.

He doesn't know when he became so used to waking up with Steve but even the few mornings apart leave him aching. Alone and out of place in his own home. His parents still don't know. His dad is gone for a few weeks at a time so hiding anything from him is easy. His mother doesn't ask questions. She stopped a long time ago, not wanting to know what his dad was getting up to.

When he was younger, he remembers loving her so much, running to her side first to tell her everything. Bucky wonders when he lost that. When he stopped trusting either of them.

With a pained sigh he rolls out of bed and fumbles into some clothes. There's a trust fund with his name on it, a guaranteed future except for the part where he dropped out of college. Instead he stays at home, doing some work for his dad, helping his mother around the house. And letting the days pass him.

His mom is at the breakfast table, with the news on in the background. Eating in small polite bites despite the lack of company. Always putting on a show.

"What if I joined the army, ma?"

"You wouldn't last a week, dear." She smiles patiently at him. He manages a small smile back and for a second it's there on the tip of his tongue _I'm gay. I'm falling in love_. But he turns away to get some breakfast. "You know we both want you to go back to school," she says after a beat.

He smiles tightly. "Yea. I know."

-

"Bucky it's been five months. I'm not going to be a secret."

"My parents-"

"I know but you have to. I can't anymore, Bucky."

Steve buries his hands in his jacket pockets. They stand in the alleyway next to Steve's work during one of his breaks. The coffee in Bucky's hand is already cooling down in the chilly air. "What do you mean?" Bucky asks, but he feels in the pit of his stomach that he already knows.

"You have to figure out what you want." Steve takes a deep breath and steps forward, into Bucky's space. "I don't want to fall in love with someone who doesn't know what he wants."

"I want you," Bucky whispers but he knows it's not enough. Steve smiles but it's sad and Bucky feels agonizingly alone.

"We have that date tomorrow night, right? For the movies?" He moves out of Bucky's space, making his way towards the door. "If you don't show up, I understand. But if you do, you have to be in it."

"What does that mean?"

"Figure out if you're going to tell them. If you want support, I'm here but you have to ask." He looks like he's going to say something else but nothing comes out. "Bye, Bucky."

Bucky watches Steve duck back inside, wanting to reach out and drag him back. Though he doesn't know what he'd say if he did do that. There aren't enough words to convince Steve to let this continue as it is. The coffee is cold but Bucky drinks it anyway. Somehow it still burns his throat.

-

"James! James, honey!" His mom knocks on the door, interrupting him while he's half changed for the date with Steve. He hasn't really figured out what he's doing to do but he knows he wants Steve. He'll work out the rest once he proves that to Steve. He quickly throws on a shirt before opening the door.

"Heading out for-" He stops when he opens the door to see her standing there in one of her nice dresses. "We have guests?"

"It was your father's idea, she's such a lovely girl, James. I think you'll enjoy this."

Bucky feels his stomach sink. This wasn't part of his plans, he was supposed to be allowed to leave without any problems. It would be so much easier that way. "I can't, ma."

"Surely whoever you're meeting can handle one missed evening." She loops her arm through his and guided him down the stairs. "Her name is Natasha, I believe you went to high school with her? Well, she's studying political science and international studies and asked your father if she could maybe intern with him to get some real world experience."

They reach the bottom of the stairs and there she is, red hair pinned back neatly, looking well put together and in control. She's talking with Bucky's dad.

"Natasha, meet our son James. James this is Natasha." His mom smoothly brings him forward into their conversation to introduce him.

"I'm really sorry but I can't stay." Bucky says quickly as Natasha opens her mouth, extracting his arm from his mom's and taking a few steps back before she can grab him again.

"James," his dad says stiffly. "You will join us for dinner."

"I'm sorry. It was good to see you again, Natasha, but I have plans." He makes his way to the hall closet for a jacket but his dad stops him and grabs his arm.

"How dare you?" he hisses. "You will not be so rude after the efforts your mother and I have gone through to arrange this."

"I didn't ask you to! This is the last thing in the world I need you to do for me," Bucky snaps back.

"Well maybe if you did something with yourself instead of sitting here all day-"

"I'm gay, Dad," he snaps, the words out before he thinks it through. An odd silence descends over the room, everyone frozen in place, waiting for someone to react. The hand on Bucky's arm twitches as if unsure if he wants to let go or not

"Son, I know you insist on having identity issues but-"

"This isn't a fucking phase." He's already in deep, there's no need to stand on ceremony. "This is me," he says softly, he looks at his mom and immediately regrets it. Her expression is as closed off as his dad's. No one says anything and the silence becomes more oppressive until Bucky feels his skin start to crawl. "I'll see myself out." It's easy to yank his arm free now.

"And what the hell are you going to do?"

"George," his mother says, trying to placate him.

Bucky swallows hard and looks his dad in the eye. "I'm going to go to the guy who I'm in love with. We have a date to see a movie." His voice shakes but the words are out and he's not taking them back.

"You have no idea what the world is like outside that door!" His dad yells. "You leave, you're never allowed back. Am I clear? Never!"

Bucky hunches his shoulders as if trying to protect himself from the verbal onslaught. "You don't want me here in the first place."

"There are places to help people-"

Bucky stomps out, wanting to drown out his dad's voice. He gets on his bike and takes off towards the theater, hoping that Steve is still there. He doesn't have any clothing besides what he's wearing but luckily his dad insisted a few months ago to give him full control of his accounts to try and teach responsibility. He knows he's speeding as he cuts through the city, knowing that time is running out. If Steve isn't there- If Steve thinks Bucky's given up-

He shoves the thoughts aside and focuses on the road. It still feels like forever before he's pulling into the theater's parking lot and bolting for the front entrance.

Steve is there, leaning against a wall, easy to miss in the semi-darkness. There's only a few other passersby outside. Everyone else inside or going elsewhere.

"Steve. Steve, I have to explain something." His words trip over themselves in his haste just to talk and finally clear things up. Steve's expression remains neutral but he nods. "My first name is James, Buchanan's my middle name and I didn't tell you that because I do like Bucky better but my dad is George Barnes. That senator everyone hates and I was fucking terrified if you found out you wouldn't want a thing to do with me and then time passed and it was easier to not say anything." He pauses for breath and Steve doesn't say anything. Bucky's getting tired of everyone's silences. "I told him though. I told him I'm gay and there was this guy who I wanted to be with and I'm in love. Please say something."

"You were named after the president James Buchanan?" Steve finally says after a beat and Bucky can only gape.

"That's it? That's what sticks out to-"

He's cut off by Steve's lips and that's better than words. "You're an idiot and an asshole. You lied about your name?"

"I'm sorry. I was so scared and I'm still scared and I'm so fucking tired of being scared." Bucky lets himself sag against Steve, resting his forehead against Steve's shoulder. "He kicked me out."

Steve's arms tighten around him. "I realized when I was waiting, that I'd never taken you home to my mom. Why don't we go there and talk?"

"But-"

"We have so much shit to work through Bucky. But we're on the same page now."

-

Sarah Rogers makes hot chocolate with a splash of something alcoholic for them both. Bucky is in awe watching the two of them. The way Sarah clearly adores Steve and Steve looks up to her. Bucky isn't really sure if he belongs there but Steve has that same smile that Bucky remembers from their first meeting so maybe he can figure out a way to fit.

Bucky ends up seated at the kitchen table, while Steve and Sarah bicker in the kitchen until finally Sarah comes out and takes a seat next to Bucky. “My son is a stubborn mule.” She smiles as she says it. “But with a heart of gold.”

“Mom!” Steve says from the kitchen, almost whining. “I’m not five!”

Sarah smiles at Bucky and he can see she has the same smile Steve does. “I’ve heard a lot about you Bucky.”

“I hope all good.”

“It takes a lot to figure out who you are, you’re brave.”

“I don’t feel very brave ma’am.”

She reaches out and covers one of his hands with hers. He can feel calluses from years of hard work and a strength he’s not used to. “In time. For now you’ll stay here, help me around the house until you can get on your feet. How does that sound?” Bucky stares at her, speechless that this woman who barely knows him is offering so much. She pats his hand as Steve finally joins them. “Good. It’ll be nice to have someone else filling up all this empty space again.”

Bucky looks at Steve, feeling suddenly overwhelmed by all the twists and turns his night has taken. Steve smiles, looking so damn hopeful that Bucky can’t resist leaning over and pressing a kiss to his cheek.

“Good,” Sarah says again with a firm nod. The issue clearly resolved in her mind. She takes one of Steve’s hands in her free one and gives them both a squeeze. Sitting between them, Bucky thinks this is what being loved is supposed to be like.


End file.
